Best of The Shafted Nation: Back Issue #3

Golf Sucks: Which Is Why Politicians Are Good At It
Sorry for the silent treatment, patriots!

For the last week I have been preparing the following announcement: A Patriot is now the newest resident of Coaldale, Pennsylvania! That’s right, folks, the small town boy goes even smaller in this dramatic move to a town so small that even an amateur golfer could drive a ball from one end of town to the other with a sand wedge.

Now, I have no idea what a sand wedge is, and frankly I don’t care. If that makes me ignorant and apathetic, so be it, but the main point here is golf sucks. I think that that is a point upon which we all agree. Even if you are a pro, and even if you claim to love golf, you know, deep down, that any game developed from shepherds smacking sheep dung into gopher holes has to suck once you get down to brass tacks. It’s ok, guys, you can be straight with me, or at least know that I know about that deep dark place in your heart wherein you know how badly golf sucks.

For the truly educated amongst us, what two points did the above just demonstrate? Come on, there has to be someone out there who gets it. The more you like golf, the less likely you are to have caught either of them. Ok, I could be cruel and wait to see what people think my points were before I spell them out, but even I am not that cruel. So, here is what the above truly pointed out:

1) I pointed out the fundamental flaw behind most politics and political opinions in general. I expressed a strong opinion on a topic, I said that everyone agrees with me, and I said that even those who would disagree with me really agree, but only pretend to disagree. This is the way many people view the world on a wide range of divisive topics.

Are you pro-choice? Well, everyone knows that no matter how die-hard pro-life they pretend to be, they would be first in line at planned parenthood when their fourteen year old daughter pops up pregnant by their thirteen year old son. Are you pro-choice? Well, everyone knows that abortion is legal murder and even those poor, hapless girls who get abortions are victims of societal pressures and they would never be driven to those ends if only we could get that immoral law off the books.

The truth is that, no matter where you stand on any given issue, you are absolutely right. For you. It is important that we hold to our beliefs and not let knee-jerk opinions and societal pressures guide us away from our core values. If it is right to you or if it is wrong to you, fight for it, believe it and make your stand. Hold your beliefs with pride. However, always evaluate your beliefs and reaffirm or change your beliefs whenever life shows you the truth or fallacy of them. It doesn’t matter if today you fight to defend a thing and tomorrow fight to denounce that self-same thing. What matters is that on each of those days you truly believe in that which you are expressing. Apologize to no one and continue on your path.

2) I pointed out that I have the ability to take the most trivial and nonsensical remark, expound upon it and create a deeper meaning where one may or may not have existed. I am somewhat gifted in the use of words, but one need not be gifted to cause the same effect. You must be ever vigilant for tactics such as the one I have employed here. While I used it to prove a valid point, others use such tactics to spin a web of lies and burry inconvenient truths in favor of the lies that make them look good.



That’s all I have the strength for today, patriots. Thank you for your time. I am still getting settled here and my posts may be irregular for awhile. I appreciate your comments, keep them coming. I could go on a five day rant with minimal stimulus, but I’d much rather be reacting to comments and questions from all of you!

Have a great day, folks, we’ll chat again later.

A Patriot Takes the Stage Once More

Last night I learned that I’ve been cast as Gooper in a community theatre production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The production will be preformed at The Strawberry Playhouse in Tuscarora, PA. I have high hopes for this play as the talent level of my fellow performers has consistently exceeded audience expectations. I can only hope to rise to this high level of tradecraft.
Since college, theatre has held a special place in my heart. The art of acting incorporates a vast array of human conditions and challenges those willing to act to delve deep in the places within us that are just not spoken about. Through working a character one learns more about one’s self and gains greater insight into his fellow man. By boiling down fleeting emotions and reactions into their purest form, audiences can take something away from each character that they can then use in their own lives. Unlike television, movies, and even larger plays, community theatre gives people unparalleled access to the material presented and the actors creating it. In this way, a community theatre production can change the way we look at everything within and without.
As much as I’m sure the theater owner would love everyone reading this to travel out to tiny little Tuscarora and pay for a seat, I would rather you save the money for the commute and have you contribute to your local community theatre group. As proud as I am of my local venue, it is far from a unique establishment. Far too few members of any community are aware of what their local community theatre group offers or even that they exist at all. If my words have moved you to experience a community theatre play, please do so locally and please bring a friend.

Best of The Shafted Nation: Back Issue #2

The Shafted Nation Volume XIX: Political Snake Handling
Hello again, my fellow Shafted Patriots!

Welcome to the rooting-est, tooting-est, and side-winding-est, slippery, slithery, serpentine edition of The Shafted Nation to date! The people have spoken, their votes counted, and voiles, we have an exciting new president. I’ll get into more detail on my feeling regarding President Obama in a future volume, but for now, I’ll just say: Remember The Shafted Nation rule #1 “We are shafted by implied consent.” As we enter this new error… I mean… era in American history, take heart; you will have A Patriot to guide you. In the yeas ahead, I’ll have a lot to say about the Obama administration, but first, I’d like to speak on the very nature of what he is and what all politicians are.

I’m a big fan of similes and metaphors. I don’t just like the imagery of them and I don’t just cling to them in order to make poorly founded observations seem more plausible; I find it fascinating how completely disparate elements seem to follow the same rules. Life really has little in common with a box of chocolates, but you actually don’t know what you’re going to get in either case. As far as the relationship between the public and politicians, my preferred symbology revolves around the relationship between snake handlers and their venomous cohorts.

While most folks have a healthy fear and distrust of snakes, especially those of the poisonous variety, others actively seek them out and manipulate them with a sense of comfort and companionship. What gives these people power over the potentially fatal, footless fiends? Well, a lot goes into it, but knowledge and discipline are chief amongst the prime requisites to master the slithery little devils. Snake handlers are scholars of the nature and behaviors of their snake. They form a bond with it that allows them to read the slightest aggressive stance. They learn to modify their own behaviors to signal to the snake their dominance and unthreatening nature. Most of all, they demonstrate the presence of mind to never, ever forget what they are holding. No matter how docile and obedient the viper may seem, it still holds the potential to kill at a moment’s notice. The snake handler respects this rather than fears it.

While most folks have a healthy fear and distrust of politicians, especially those of the Republican variety, others actively lobby them and make proposals to them with a sense of comfort and companionship. What gives these people power over the potentially feral, fearless fiends? Well, a lot goes into it, but knowledge and discipline are chief amongst the prime requisites to master the ponderous little devils. Lobbyists are scholars of the nature and behaviors of their politicians. They form a bond with them that allows them to read the slightest partisan stance. They learn to modify their own behaviors to signal to the politician their sway amongst likely voters and their deal-brokering nature. Most of all, they demonstrate the presence of mind to never, ever forget what they are dealing with. No matter how docile and obedient the public servant may seem, it still holds the potential to waffle at a moment’s notice. The lobbyist respects this rather than fears it.

Snakes have no choice but to act upon their inner nature. Snake handlers can shape and mold behaviors of the snakes they train, but the snake will still revert to its natural form if pressed. After all, a snake’s instincts were honed over millennia, biological imperatives passing from generation to generation. It would be sheer hubris to believe that one human, regardless of his level of education and training, could overcome that deep level of conditioning. Vipers bite and Constrictors squeeze. It’s literally all they know. Though the presence of a talented handler can diminish or even extinguish these behaviors while directly influenced, the absence of the same handler completely reverses any behavioral modification achieved. You can’t just condition a snake and walk away. In order for it to continue to act in the way you want, it needs your constant presence, reinforcing your intentions. This is the nature of snake handling. It is possible to get what you want out of them, but only if you are willing to invest the time and attention required to achieve it.

Politicians have no choice but to act upon their party platform. The public can shape and mold behaviors of the politicians they vote for, but the politician will still revert to his or her partisan politics if pressed. After all, a politician’s priorities were honed by the electoral process, political imperatives passing from Party Leaders to Party Hopefuls. It would be sheer hubris to believe that one voter, regardless of his level of Party Loyalty and Activism, could overcome that deep level of conditioning. Democrats redistribute wealth and Republicans favor the wealthy. It’s literally all they know. Though the presence of an influential activist group can diminish or even extinguish these behaviors while elections are on the line, the absence of compelling political interest completely reverses any behavioral modification achieved. You can’t just vote for a politician and walk away. In order for them to continue to vote in the way you want, they need your constant voice, reinforcing your intentions. This is the nature of political accountability. It is possible to get what you want out of them, but only if you are willing to invest the time and attention required to achieve it.

I trust that you’ve got the point by now, Patriots. The funny part is that it really doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with a Viper of a Constrictor. They’re equally dangerous; they just come at you from different angles. Just pick your poison (yes, corny pun fully and fervently intended) and stick with it… or swap ‘em out as you see fit. The point is, never forget what you have in your hands. Just because a President, Senator, Governor, Dog Catcher, etc. shares your political party and/or expresses ideas that mirror your own, it doesn’t make them your friend. They have enormous pressures upon them. These pressures all but force them to Shaft you and Shaft our Nation at every turn. Unless we, as a people, decide to oppose this pressure by exerting some force of our own, then we can reasonably expect to live forever in The Shafted Nation.

That’s all I have for today. Sorry if the doubled paragraphs came off as preachy or condescending. It was shorter and cooler in my head than it came out on paper. Well, such is life. Hope you read it anyway.

Until next time, Patriots, find something to love about Obama and another thing to hate about him. Remember a true Patriot will not support the man; a true Patriot supports the nation. I hope with every fiber of my being that he succeeds in every goal that will better our nation. I hope with equal fervor that he miserably fails in every goal that further Shafts us all. Foremost, though, respect him. What I said about Bush applies to Obama as well as everyone who ever held The Office and all who will ever hold it: The Presidency is the embodiment of America. Even if you can’t find it in your heart to respect the man, respect the Presidency.

Also, take a moment to reflect the plight of clowns. At what cost, our laughter? In what supply, their dignity? Remember, you could be one thin coat of white face paint from finding out first hand. ;)